the week before christmas

[DAFRIDGE]

lets get them down.everyone have a good christmas.dont forget to post your joke.

[Kicks]

Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"

[Kicks]

Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged


SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell
you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE -
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).

[chucktx]

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at
the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He
asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
chucktx

[chucktx]

Sarah was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice, and she landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
chucktx

[chucktx]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point
that visibility was almost zero when Sarah got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and
she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
chucktx

[chucktx]

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he
said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a
minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not
fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph,
is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS........LOL LOL
chucktx

[chucktx]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand." "Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out." "Now, how about that drink?"
chucktx

[Los]

ha ha ha, that was funny!

[paulmo1]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers. The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

[77inline]

Originally Posted by paulmo1

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers. The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

While on the Newfoundland theme.

According to a recent statistical survey by a major insurance company, they wanted to find out the words of a driver to a passenger immediately before an auto accident.

In Quebec, the most common expression was "Oh, mon dieu!!!"
In Ontario, it was "Holy Crap!!!"
and in Newfoundland it was ...

"Hold my beer and WATCH THIS !!!"

[chucktx]

cool..........lol lol lol......
chucktx

[terrys]

the nun joke made my day-----thanks

[terrys]

a newely wed couple wanted to join the local church, upon meeting with the preacher he told them that one of the conditions of joining was they would have to restrain from having sex for 6 weeks. they agreed. the first sunday back at church the preacher asked them how they did? all is well they said. the 2nd week was the same . on the 3rd week they met they told the preacher they had bad news for him. what is it he asked? well sir, we were at wal-mart in the vegetable isle when my wife dropped a head of lettuce. when she bent over to pick it up, well, i just couldn't help myself--so we did it right there. the preacher told them that he was so sorry but they would not be allowed into his church--thats ok, they told him--were not allowed into wal-mart either.