Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and
buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree;
write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7-ELEVEN and buy a case of beer, write a
check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil---splash hot oil on
you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash
in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide
to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door
opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly
dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to
recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly
cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain
plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop
blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
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