march

[paulmo1]

new month new joke

FBI top12 deaths of the year!

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36, 000 Serious Crimes
including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide
Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.


1. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20
inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange
sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she
snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it
ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the
truck delivering her birthday cake.

3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter,
who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone
felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly
inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared
dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone
was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what
she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same
method one month later.

4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it
to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim
to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been
since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she
wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the
troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in
front of them and yelled Boo! . The troopers, thinking she was a pop up
target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target.
She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers
stated in his report.

7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because
she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death
with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken
aerial.

8. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold
Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the
neighbor.Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye
shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she
died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms,
including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and
even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's
surgery or hospital for a check up.

9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by
loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford
Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a
force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was
heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the
car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and
500m of missing road.

10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early
hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had
mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet
engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty
Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about
the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a
notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss
Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation.
What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the
engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a
blast of 5, 000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her
outline into the driveway.

11. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard
With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry,
into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided
white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves
the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem
and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother
Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after
their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense
of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck
back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with
gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying,
Sorry for the spree, have puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a
cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process

[goofie]

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the guy hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the jerk. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."