I need a joke today!

[rwillig]

some of you have probably already read this, but I needed a joke today and thought I would get one started!

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them
to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe
these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders,
6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses................................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.........................Daylight saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ..................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .................how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...........................looks dirty.
7. No news is.........................................impossi ble.
8. A miss is as good as a ............................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ....................math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.................stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the......................pigs.
13. An idle mind is...................................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ......................pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who............................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is..................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's............................The Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what..................you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.........you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .......................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ..................spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.....................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ...........see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ....................get out of the way.!

And the last one:
25. Better late than..................................pregnant.

[Rick Bovill]

ha ha ! #25 is a scorcher ! lol

im all out of jokes this week ! no clean ones
RB

[rwillig]

Ok. I was going to save it but here is one more. My brother -in-law sent these to me.


Subject: Fw: From the classifieds
Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old.
Hateful little dog. Bites


2. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

3. FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd,
part stupid dog


4. GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered.
Speaks German. Free

5. FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks
like a rat .. been out awhile.

Better be reward.

6. COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... Also
1 gay bull for sale

7. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used,
call Chubby

8. GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown
89 cents lb.


9. NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

10. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer
and dryer $300



AND THE BEST ONE

11. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

[Rick Bovill]

ha ha ha

i like it !
saving the best til last so i see !
lolol
RB

[chucktx]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she went thru the halls, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
chucktx

[chucktx]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I let's have a beer,"
chucktx

[chucktx]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper and his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a shoe.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching TV again when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

The wife answered, "Your horse called."
chucktx

[oats]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting,so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? "We're leaving from the office, and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. "And, oh, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

He says, "Yes! Lots of walleye, some blue gill, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

(You'll love the answer............)

The wife replies, "I did. They're in the tackle box."

[oats]

> A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
> night he's doing a show
> in a small town in Arkansas.
>
>
> With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
> his usual dumb blonde
> jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands
> on her chair and starts shouting:
>
>
> "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
> makes you think you
> can stereotype women that way? What does the color
> of a person's hair have
> to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
> like you who keep women
> like me from being respected at work and in the
> community and from
> reaching our full potential as a person.
>
>
> Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
> discrimination against
> not only blondes, but women in general, and all in
> the name of humor!"
>
>
> The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
> and the blonde yells,
> "You stay out of this, mister!
>
>
> I'm talking to that little smart-ass on your knee."

[rwillig]

rotflmao! Thank you! Thank you! I needed that. those are some I will have to pass on.

[Rick Bovill]

ha ha ha ha !

some good ones there ! that will keep me going

cheers
RB

[egneg]

Then there is the texas rancher visiting his brother the maine farmer. The texas rancher asks his brother how big of a spread he has. The maine farmer replies "well ... it goes from that line of trees down to the stream yonder and then from that there fence line over to the road". His brother the texas rancher says "thats not bad but back in texas it takes me all day to drive around my ranch!" The maine farmer looks at his brother the texas rancher and says " yep ... I used to have a truck like that too."

[oats]

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost
an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She
referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator
was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers". At the conclusion
of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, “Walking Eagle”. The proud Senator then departed in
her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of
s--t it can no longer fly