9/5-9/11

[DAFRIDGE]

joke this week away!

[DAFRIDGE]

some potty jokes for your liking

heres some funny restroom humor my friend sent to me today....

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work:

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop its
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the
bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.): A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPER, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
at least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[RSHelton]

DAFRIDGE, That's a pretty good one. I got quite a few laughs out of that one. DrD

[chucktx]

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and she invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred. Then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about a minute and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door,,,,

And there, leaning against my car was my future father-in-law. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom,,,,
chucktx

[chucktx]

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gfit. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Almost very word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, or profane..

Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Finally, in desperationJon, Jon threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can in the future to correct my unforgivable behavior".

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?"
chucktx

[chucktx]

One afternoon, a plaintiff's lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He
ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you
eating grass?" he asked. "We don't have no money for food," the first man
replied. "Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the
lawyer. "But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here." "Bring them along!"
replied the lawyer. "But how 'bout m' friend?" The lawyer turned to the
other man and said, "You come with us, too." "But, sir, I got a wife and
six kids!" "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his
limo. They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor
fellows said: "Sir, your kindness is overwhelming. Thank you for taking
all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my
place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
chucktx

[chucktx]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Truths about Pets

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong,
always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever.

Buy a cat a present and it will play with the
wrapper for 10 minutes.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment
their owners will wake up. Then they wake them
10 minutes sooner.

Dog's have owners.

Cat's have staff.

Dogs believe they are human.

Cats believe they are God.

Dogs shed.

Cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members
of a weird religious cult?

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three
dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only 2 of them.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually
unnoticed by a Great Dane.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best
friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in
their next life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our
toilets, but look at it from their point of view:
Why do humans keep urinating into their water
bowls?
chucktx

[mustbechevy]

One evening on thier way home from the rodeo a young couple ran off the road and became stuck in the mud. The young man got out of the truck to asses the situation and thought they might be able to push the truck out.
His girlfriend, dressed in her finest country western attire, didn't want to soil her clothes. The boy suggested they just remove their clothes, after all it was dark, no one was around, the nearest farm house was a quarter mile up the road. So they preceeded to get naked, they pushed and pushed but the truck wouldn't budge. At this point the boy became quite angry and shouted at the girl to run up to the farm house and ask the farmer if he would bring his tractor down to pull them out. His tone scared her so much she just ran off to the farm house. She ran up on the porch and knocked loudly on the door. It was in the glow of the porch light that she remembered she was naked. Thinking quickly she reached down and picked up a pair of boots that were sitting on the porch, these she placed between her legs with the toes pointing up to cover her patch, she then crossed her arms to cover her breasts. The farmer opened the door and was face to face with this naked girl with only a pair of boots sticking out of her.
"What do you want?" he exclaimed.
"Mister my boyfriends stuck...Do you think you could pull him out?!!!"