9/26-10/2

[DAFRIDGE]

heres your thread for the week. enjoy and post as you please

[chucktx]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down
He had spiked hair in all different colors; Green, Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

chucktx

[chucktx]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into
a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops
down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna
sandwich!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
chucktx

[chucktx]

What's the last thing a redneck says before seriously injuring hisself or someone standing near him?

"Hey ya'll, Watch this!"
chucktx

[chucktx]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven -- don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this, and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, tanned, and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
chucktx

[chucktx]

A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive
Persian rugs.

She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and
walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
texture of the rug, she farts rather loudly.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a
sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns
back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good
day, madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price
of this lovely rug?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it,
you are very likely going to crap when you hear the price."
chucktx

[chucktx]

The Florida football team was placed in a remedial English class.
"Because we are all new on campus we are going to start with the basics," the professor explained. "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands and shouted "The appeal!" with pride.
chucktx

[chucktx]

1. Why does the sun lighten hair, but darken skin?

2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

5. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

6. Why is a boxing ring square?

7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice"?

9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a secondbhand?

15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

17. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

18. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
chucktx

[Kicks]

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year-old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing out the window, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $4 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years, she had charged him each time they had sex , and this was the result of her investments.

By now, he was distraught and beating his head against the wall.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Some men have no idea when to keep their mouths shut.

[chucktx]

i liked that one kicks................lol
chucktx

[artworkbysue]

Die Wagenschenke - Das Partyzelt am Albanifest in Winterthur