9/19-9/25

[DAFRIDGE]

here goes the thread for the week post away

[chucktx]

It's 2 am and the husband is sitting alone in the kitchen. "What's wrong, honey?" his wife asks.
"Remember that time your father caught us having sex in the back seat?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. "And told me if I didn't marry you he'd send me to jail for twenty years?" "Yes," she answers. "Well, today is the day I would have gotten out."
chucktx

[chucktx]

It's hard to find jokes that are clean these days but, here it goes...
not a dirty word is used.........

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
chucktx

[chucktx]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.
chucktx

[chucktx]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One AM came, however, and he didn't return. Two AM, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
chucktx

that was a good on there chucktx

[RSHelton]

chucktx, funny one there. LoL DrD

[RSHelton]

Here is one I saw just yesterday ( edited 1 word, tryin' to follow rules U know)

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:
Red................cherry,"
Yellow.............lemon,"
Green..............lime,"
Orange.............orange."
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may call your father at times."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're a**holes!"

My wife is a teacher and so are all her friends. FINALLY I can contribute to the teaching conversations! Thanks RS!

[chucktx]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down
He had spiked hair in all different colors; Green, Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

chucktx