8/8-8/14

[DAFRIDGE]

new week new jokes. all jokes are welcome. pictures are too so lets get this party started
**EDIT**
ill start this weeks off... there a bar in eastern washington.the 5 finger jacks sallon. the sign out front said poker in the front liqueur in the rear

[b-man]

There is a restaurant in Myrtle Beach, SC called Melons. The sign out front read "Kids Eat Free". I only wish I had a picture.

b-man

[DAFRIDGE]

hmm somehtings weird is chucktx on vacation or something?

[chucktx]

i can take a hint !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hang on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chucktx

[chucktx]

A Day in Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
chucktx

[chucktx]

Okay, so...
Gramma Boudreaux goes to the doctor. "Doctor," she says. "I got serious problems. I gotta pass gas, you know, all the time. But the funny thing is, doctor, they don't smell bad and they don't make no sound!"

The doctor gives her some pills. "Take these two times a day and come back in a week."

So Gramma does. She says to the doctor a week later, "Doctor, well, I still got gas all the time. And they still don't make no sound, but sacre' bleu! Them scompers will peel the wallpaper off the wall!"

Doctor says, "Good. We got your nose cleared up, now we'll work on your hearing."

Also:

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux was going rabbit hunting. They passed by a farmer's field full of rabbits. So Boudreaux went to the farm house to ask the old man if they could hunt in his fields.

"Sure, sure!" said the nice old man. "Kill all them durn rabbits! They eat my vegetables, they do things all the time I don't like my kids to see, yeah, kill all them rabbits! But look, you do me a favor. I got an old cow in the field that's real sick. Do me a favor, go put that cow out her misery for me, okay?"

"Sure thing!" Boudreaux said. So he's walking back to the truck and he decides to play a practical joke on Thibodeaux.

"That mean old man!" he shouts. "He told us, no way he wants no stupid uneducated Cajuns hunting rabbits on his land! I'm so mad, me! I hate that old man. Just for that, I'm going to kill that old man's stupid cow!"

So he turns to the sick old cow and BAMM! Shoots it dead. He then hears BAMM! BAMM!

Boudreaux spins around and there's Thibodeaux standing there with his smoking shotgun. "That'll teach that mean old man! I killed his horse and his dog, too!"
chucktx

[chucktx]

A psychologist conducting a study asked 1000 people this question:
"When you are having a bath, do you face towards the taps or away?" only one man from the entire thousand said he faced away from the taps. Intrigued the psychologist asked why out of 1000 people was he the only one who faced away from the taps.
"Simple" came the reply, "I don't own a bathplug."
chucktx

more later!!!!! lol lol

[DAFRIDGE]

lol thanks chuck. dont waste them all in one night.

[landsbro]

Hi
today i found one of my 11 week old kittens in a little odd place
(they are allower right now )he must have crawled under the visor somehow in to my sons helmet,,,,sorry fridge this may not be a joke but i just had to show this photo ,,,,,,
/kimmo

[DAFRIDGE]

kimmo no prob... it is funny. hew looks like you just woke him up form a nap and hees ready to attack LOL

[chucktx]

1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? 6. And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
7. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
11. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
12. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
14. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
15. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
16. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines? 18. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
19. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
20. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

chucktx

[chucktx]

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the
> cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
> and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
> several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
> Dr. Mark MacDonald; San Antonio, TX
> * * * * * * * * *
> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
> instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
> Dr. Richard Byrnes; Seattle, WA
> * * * * * * * * *
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes
> later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of
a
> "massive internal fart."
> Dr. Susan Steinberg; Manitoba, Canada
> * * * * * * * * *
> I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,"Cover your right
>
> eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
> couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that
> he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his
> eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
> Dr. Matthew Theodropolous; Worcester, MA
> * * * * * * * * *
> During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he
> informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
> medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a
> new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
> the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
> removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
> Dr. Rebecca St. Clair; Norfolk, VA
> * * * * * * * *
> While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have
> you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
> "Why, not for about twenty years- when my husband was alive."
> Dr. Steven Swanson; Corvallis, OR
> * * * * * * * * *
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast
> this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem
> to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
> Dr. Leonard Kransdorf; Detroit, MI
chucktx

[chucktx]

While I was driving to work this morning, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing doing about seventy, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on the makeup.

It scared me so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. Then in all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my mobile phone got knocked away from my ear and fell into the coffee between my knees, ruining the damn phone and disconnecting an important call.

Damn' women drivers,,,,
chucktx

[DAFRIDGE]

chuck are those doctor things true? i remember that k.y. jelly one from an old issue of F.H.M magazine.

[chucktx]

im not sure fridge........i only believe half of what i see....lol
chucktx

[chucktx]

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine
chucktx

[chucktx]

i may be showin my age.......but i do remember.......all of them!!


Lost In the Fifties



Do you remember.....

Hide and go seek at dusk.

One speed-bicycles.

Hopscotch, butterscotch, double dutch.

Jacks, kickball, and dodge ball.

Mother May I? Red Rover.

Hula Hoops, jacks.

When you picked up the phone and
the operator said, "Number please?"



Wax Lips and Mustaches.

Penny candy in a brown paper bag.

A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers.

Listening to Superman on the radio.



Catching lightning bugs in a jar.

Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

An ice cream cone on a warm summer night...

A cherry coke from the fountain at the corner drug store.

Cops and Robbers....Cowboys and Indians.



Running till you were out of breath.

When the only time you wore sneakers
was at school, for gym.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up,
if you even had one.



When nearly everyone's mom was at
home when the kids got there.

When laundry detergent had free glasses,
dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When nobody owned a purebred dog.



When a quarter was a decent allowance.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls never kissed on the first date.
chucktx

[chucktx]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late, came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
chucktx

[chucktx]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under the banana. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

Spray the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey will make the attempt with the same result (spray the other monkeys with cold water). Pretty soon, when a monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Take one monkey out of the cage and replace it with another. When the newcomer goes to the stairs to get the banana, the other monkeys will attack it. Take another of the original monkeys out of the cage and replace it with a new one. When it goes for the stairs to get the banana the other monkeys will attack it. Repeat as required until all the original monkeys have been replaced. Every time a monkey makes an attempt to climb the stairs the others will attack it, even though they have no idea why. Eventually no monkey will make the attempt? Why not? Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

That’s how company policy begins.
chucktx

[chucktx]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives:

At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating:

If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2- Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5- MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only 5% of
the roads.

6- The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7- The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9- Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10- You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
chucktx