11/2-11/6

[DAFRIDGE]

Joke away. any political jokes?

[chucktx]

A young fellow goes to visit his old grandmother and takes one of his buddies with him. While he's talking to Gramma, his friend starts eating the peanuts that are in a small bowl on the coffee table, eventually finishing them off.

As they're leaving the friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts."

"Why, you're welcome, sonny!" the grandmother says, "Since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of 'em."
chucktx

[Dan]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!!
You went bowling again!!"

[chucktx]

Do you know what happened in September back in 1850?

California became a state.

The state had no electricity.

The state had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gun fights in the middle of the streets.

So it was just like California today, only the women had real breasts
chucktx

[chucktx]

There was a ghost convention being held in texas,in a large auditorium. The guest speaker askes the audience if anyone there had seen a ghost.

The whole audience raised their hands.

The guest speaker then askes if anyone there had actually touched a ghost and about 1/2 of the audience raised their hands.

Then the guest speaker asked if anyone there actually had sexual relations with a ghost.

One man in the back frantically waved his hand in excitement.

The guest speaker asked the man to come up to the stage. When the man got to the stage, the guest speaker said "now, tell the audience about your sexual experience with a ghost....we are very interested in hearing the story"

The man looked at the guest speaker and said, " I thought you were saying goat"
chucktx

[Dan]

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later..

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

[landsbro]

kittens never lie

[Kicks]

Well,... hee, hee, hee,... between Kimmos Joke,... and Tigerlillys new avitar,... lol,... I was reminded of this one!

[hippygeek]

15 things a man can do at Wal-Mart -- while his wife is taking her own sweet time:

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares' . . and see what happens.

05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack . . And when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . . then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here.

[chucktx]

A man with no arms walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender places the foaming glass in front of him and the customer says, "As you can see, I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure," says the barkeep, and he does.
"Now," says the man, "I wonder if you would be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off of my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach into my right-hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one more thing; Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there is a gas station on the corner."
chucktx

[Dan]

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he Opened
his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub."




Snappy Answer #2


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, But
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,"Do
these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied,"No ma'am,they're dead."




Snappy Answer #3


The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.




Snappy Answer #4


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"


The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."




Snappy Answer #5 - THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"


A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"


The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."




Snappy Answer #6 - One 6 Year Old.


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"


One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy s... !
A talking pig!'"


The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

---



Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he Opened
his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub."




Snappy Answer #2


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, But
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,"Do
these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied,"No ma'am,they're dead."




Snappy Answer #3


The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.




Snappy Answer #4


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"


The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."




Snappy Answer #5 - THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"


A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"


The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."




Snappy Answer #6 - One 6 Year Old.


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"


One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy s... !
A talking pig!'"


The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

---