1-30 to sometime in february. :)

DAFRIDGE · 01-30-2005

instead of keeping threads for one week lets try a 2 week long thread. and see how things go. post your jokes.. starting NOW!!!

paulmo1 · 01-31-2005

This sums life up beautifully......

A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist
Complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Greek.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta
with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my
friends, dance a little, play the bouzouki, and sing a few songs.I
have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have a MBA from Harvard and I can help
you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell
the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second

one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can
negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open
your own plant.You can then leave this little village and move to
Athens, LosAngeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct
your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Greek.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?" "Afterwards?
"That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American,
laughing.When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the

coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish,
take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing,
dancing and playing the bouzouki with your friends".

paulmo1 · 01-31-2005

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She
handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the
store. It was empty.

" Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it . She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these
excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

" Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I
could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

paulmo1 · 01-31-2005

INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS ON AMERICAN LIFE WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

aixguy · 01-31-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by paulmo1

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

Aint it the Truth!!!!!!

chucktx · 01-31-2005

"A new wine for seniors"

California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts
as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce
the number of trips older people have to
make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.

chucktx

chucktx · 01-31-2005

A Southern Methodist preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Then he lifted up his eyes and cried out even more loudly, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And finally, shaking his fist in the air he shouted, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it in the river."

Sermon completed, he sat down.

Then the Deacon stood very cautiously and, nearly choking, announced, "For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

chucktx

chucktx · 01-31-2005

Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways make you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

chucktx

paulmo1 · 02-01-2005

IRAQ - VERY INTERESTING - DID YOU KNOW?

1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq.

2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq.

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.

9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

10. Amos cried out in Iraq!

11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem.

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!

13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.

17. The wise men were from Iraq.

18. Peter preached in Iraq.

19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon,which was a city in Iraq!

And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep roots.

Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.

No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq.

And also... This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages...

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?! God Bless you all Amen !

paulmo1 · 02-01-2005

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

Kicks · 02-01-2005

Two Muslim fundamentalists are sitting on the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed...he is a martyr. "
"This is my second son, Ahmad. He is a martyr also."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully.
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

paulmo1 · 02-02-2005

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on
the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for
backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

goofie · 02-02-2005

Okay.. so it isn't a joke.. but it is still pretty funny...

It is a VW Commerical for one of their European lines.. the Polo.

A terrorist car bomber gets a surprise. This is the spoof ad that VW blamed on some creative guys, who said they "never meant to release it."

http://rock103.thedataco.com/video/r...-terrorist.wmv

paulmo1 · 02-07-2005

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking
at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned,
and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let
me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up! the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to
go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I
kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better
by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing! so hard!

paulmo1 · 02-07-2005

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a
vacation. Last year when one flea got to Miami, he was shivering and
shaking. The other flea asked him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea said, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the
mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responded, "That's the worst way to travel! Try what
I do: Go to the New Jersey airport bar, have a few drinks, and while
you are there, look for a nice stewardess - crawl up her leg and nestle
in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can
think of."
The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a
try next summer.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is
shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try
what I told you to?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said! I went to
the New Jersey airport bar, I had a few drinks, and finally this nice
young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot.
But it was so nice and warm that I fell asleep..."
The second flea said, "So how did you end up like this again?!"
The first flea answered, "When I woke up, I was back in the mustache
of a guy on a Harley."

chucktx · 02-07-2005

Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue

chucktx

paulmo1 · 02-08-2005

Short & SweetLiar:

A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom!"

Neil · 02-08-2005

Subject: Valentine's Day is coming...........
>
>
> > These are entries to a Washington Post poetry competition, asking for a
> > rhyme with the MOST romantic first line, but the LEAST romantic
> > second line. The submissions are brutal!
> >
> >
>************************************************* ************************
> >
> > Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
> > But I only slept with you,
> > because I was pissed.
> > ****************************
> > I thought that I could love no other
> > Until, that is, I met your brother.
> > ****************************
> > Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
> > But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
> > and so is your head.
> > *****************************
> > Of loving beauty you float with grace
> > If only you could hide your face.
> > ****************************
> > Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
> > This describes everything you are not.
> > ****************************
> > I want to feel your sweet embrace
> > But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
> > ****************************
> > I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
> > Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
> > ****************************
> > My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
> > Marrying you screwed up my life.
> > ****************************
> > I see your face when I am dreaming.
> > That's why I always wake up screaming.
> > ****************************
> > My love, you take my breath away.
> > What have you stepped in to smell this way
> > ****************************
> > My feelings for you no words can tell,
> > Except for maybe "go to hell."
> > ****************************
> > What inspired this amorous rhyme?
> > Two parts vodka, one part lime.
> >
> >

goofie · 02-11-2005

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

Happy Valentine's Day.....

Goof...

chucktx · 02-12-2005

chucktx

paulmo1 · 02-12-2005

Why Men are Just Happier People:

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on Dec 24, in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

paulmo1 · 02-12-2005

> A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
> our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming
> briefing."You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria
> for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."
> The cannibals promised that they would not. Four weeks later their boss
> remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with you.
> However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what
> happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "no".
> After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
> "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"A hand rose hesitantly, to
> which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool !!! For four weeks
> we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything! But nooooo, you
> had to go and eat someone important!"

1-30 to sometime in february. :)

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF AIRBRUSHING