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[DAFRIDGE]

This part of the forum is really falling guys. the only person that post here is chuckTX. is it too much to ask for some more epople to post jokes?

[paulmo1]

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with
bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in
line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them
with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a
girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy
dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your
freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while
tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"



The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother.

"Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy
thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly
whispered, "Wrinkles."

**************************************



A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood
was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a
tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked
wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

**************************************



My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how
you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how
are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

**************************************



I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

*************************************



When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised."Mine says I'm four"

********************************



After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the
children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

***********************************



A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell him what it
was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take
the covers off thy neighbour's wife,"

*******************************



Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie
we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was
the 20,000 leaks!!"



A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess
what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do
you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to
"i" and add 'es'."

Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one???)



" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy
wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad
aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child."



A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had
made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men
in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is
soldiers in your cup!"

***********************************



A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another,
"he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a
close...."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."



Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as
well dance"

[paulmo1]

WHY!?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[goofie]

A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:


Dear love,
Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.

Love,
Me.

[paulmo1]

Subject: Mouse Balls



If a mouse fails to operate, or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be
attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of
mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer
satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an
unhappy customer.

[paulmo1]

Subject: Irishman's daughter

The Irishman's daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her thus - "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us? Not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp!! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The daughter, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club... (takes a breath) ...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

The daughter crying again (sniff, snift) "A Prostitute Dad .. (sniff, sniff)"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death girl! I thought you said, "a Protestant!" Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[paulmo1]

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards.
(Could only happen in the USA)

Stellas' are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee
on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the
Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United
States. Unfortunately the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's,
the teens who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was
filed after the 2003 award voting was closed. This suit will top the
2004 awards list without question.

THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:

5TH PLACE (TIED)
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
toddler was Ms.Robertson's Son.

5TH PLACE (TIED)
19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

5TH PLACE (TIED)
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door Opener was malfunctioning.
He could not re-enter the house because the door Connecting the house
and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and
Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted
on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dogfood. He sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4TH PLACE
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's
Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the
fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an
argument.

2ND PLACE
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a
neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor
and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid Paying the
$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1ST PLACE
This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motorhome. On
his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the Freeway,
he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to
go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the
RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued
Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not
actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago
Motorhome. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their
recreational vehicles.

Good job there Paul by the way on posting the law suite finding, crazy world we live in.




Ounces of brain for sale
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

[chucktx]

ya'll didnt leave much paper for me.....
i will try to squeeze one in here!!! lol lol

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed..

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
chucktx

oops......outa paper!!!!!!!!

[codepunk]

Originally Posted by djohnson

Good job there Paul by the way on posting the law suite finding, crazy world we live in.




Ounces of brain for sale
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Least I rate 2nd most expensive

[ICE]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar,order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon,three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives,all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days.

[goofie]

Pretty soon, the little ones start asking questions:

Embarrassing ones at that. I remember when my kids asked me, "Where do babies come from."

I tried not to lie to them. I told them the straight facts:

"Carelessness... Pure carelessness."

[chucktx]

how true, goofie, how true
chucktx