Some reasons to smile

[paulmo1]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers".

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 mins.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the owner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the owner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

[paulmo1]

A Silent Debate at the Vatican

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could
stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.

[paulmo1]

Bob the builder was going through a house he had just built with the
woman who owned it. She was telling him
what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be
painted a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to
be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to
be tan.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep
telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up,
what is that for?
The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Kiwis
laying the turf out front."

pretty good Paul thanks for taking the time to post them

[wolfnme]

That was good!

[chucktx]

The way children see things.


NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bath room and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass of water. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When
she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" he asked. "You know that it always gives you a bad headache the next morning."

DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5 year old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box, some cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school and came
home completely flustered. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her
mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[egneg]

I have to admit those tidbits made my day Chuck.

[harrydidit]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.!

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than dirt. Someone stole tent."