New Year,New week

[DAFRIDGE]

post away !!!

[chucktx]

sorry.....been pretty busy.........
Old Jake lived alone in Eastern Newfoundland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mike, who used to help him, was in an Ontario prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mike, I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father, what ever you do.. don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them BODIES! Love, Mike

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen agents from the R.C.M.P. along with local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father, Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances! Love, Mike

[chucktx]

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children"
chucktx

[chucktx]

The problem with the designated driver program; it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
chucktx

[chucktx]

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
chucktx

[chucktx]

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
chucktx

[chucktx]

Ole and Lena are sitting at their 50th wedding aniversary party. Lena is scowling at Ole, and punches him in the arm.
Ole says "what was that for?"
Lena says "for 50 years of bad sex"
Ole sits for a minute, then turns and punches her
back.
Lena says "now what was that for?"
so Ole replies "that's for knowing the difference"
chucktx

[chucktx]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
chucktx

[Kicks]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them! You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

[ICE]

Subject: Cows


DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
man in a foreign country who has only one cow.
Of course, that cow was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You pretend to sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the 2nd
one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN (& Ukrainian) CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the veterinary hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their moos.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking cow.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking
cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd.
So you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders