the week after christmas...and before newyears

[chucktx]

Phone call from daddy

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

“No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

**Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway".

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? Is this 555-7039?????
chucktx

[chucktx]

I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:
"Not bad."
And the stranger said:
"What are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really
beginning to think this
was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I am driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say:
"Look, I'll call you right back, there is some
idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you.
Bye!"

chucktx

[chucktx]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun...

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: <look of disbelief>
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? "<pointing at New Zealander>
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me
in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: <total look of amazement>
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The Sheep Lies."
chucktx

[chucktx]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner
together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and
asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had
sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made
love to you.

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well.

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there
again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good
idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers
having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on
them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt,
takes her knickers down and the old man drops his
trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the
fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and
jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling,
"Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear
life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life that he didn't know. After about
half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggles to their feet and put their
clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly
amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask
him what his secret is.'

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was
something else, you must have been having sex for
about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must
have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort
of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty
years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

chucktx

[AgilePaws]

Chuck... where DO you get these LOL!!!

[DAFRIDGE]

lol chuck i like those alot especially the one with the little girl