another week of jokes.....

chucktx · 12-05-2004

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.
chucktx

ps...sorry fridge, i had some and didnt want to forget em....

chucktx · 12-05-2004

A guy goes into a government agency to interview for a job.

The Interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my genitals so they declared me disabled...but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you. I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10! And we'll get you started"
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"
”Well, in the government we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that”.
chucktx

chucktx · 12-05-2004

At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced another.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, thank God we can all still drive," said the first woman cheerfully.
chucktx

DAFRIDGE · 12-05-2004

thanks chuck, i was coming to post it out i was going to do it earlier but got wrapped up.

chucktx · 12-05-2004

My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat.

The original point and click interface was a Smith &
Wesson.

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; a life
commitment for a pig.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be
when I grew up

Beer ~ the reason I get up each afternoon

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
chucktx

chucktx · 12-05-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by DAFRIDGE

thanks chuck, i was coming to post it out i was going to do it earlier but got wrapped up.

after ya got wraped up, i bet ya was the best lookin present under the tree!!!!!!! lol
chucktx

ICE · 12-06-2004

The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the Royal Stables when a stallion passed gas very loudly.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that."

"That's okay" said the Archbishop, "I thought it was the horse."

slyaltona · 12-07-2004

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.
She wrote:
The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma

paulmo1 · 12-07-2004

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

A lot of truth in this.

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

If you are reading it in English-Thank a soldier!!

paulmo1 · 12-07-2004

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day

while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly

jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director
became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered
that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna
to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news
and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because
you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save
the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The
bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to
dry. How soon can I go?

paulmo1 · 12-07-2004

A little old lady answered a knock on the
door one day, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man.
If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum
cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady.
I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded
to close the door. Quick as a flash, the
young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!"
he said. "Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration." And with that, he emptied
a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not
remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder. "The old lady stepped
back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut
off my electricity this morning!!!!

chucktx · 12-08-2004

NEWS FLASH! - Austin Texas----- Austin's worst air disaster
occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two local
Texas college students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Austin. search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so
far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
chucktx

chucktx · 12-08-2004

A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in
twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others
asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back
up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is
going to steal Henry!
chucktx

chucktx · 12-08-2004

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of
Texas, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but
my earrings."

You gotta love those women from Texas.
chucktx

paulmo1 · 12-09-2004

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
>English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is
masculine-"le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to
give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:
1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling.. this gets better!!!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine
(le
computer"), because:
1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE
the problem; and
4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!