this weeks jokes!!

[DAFRIDGE]

post them here please.

[chucktx]

TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

No one ever steals your chair.

Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

You want to see if it's like the dream.

To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

"I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again
chucktx

[chucktx]

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed
into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward
my bedroom window."
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice
replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police
Department."
"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a
longer ladder!"

chucktx

[chucktx]

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to
see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing
feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,
"How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But
then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then...
just tell my wife!"
chucktx

[chucktx]

A blonde came home from her first day commuting
into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking
a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling
all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from
sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the
person sitting across from you to switch seats
for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
chucktx

[chucktx]

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes car to his favorite
sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in
to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales
woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the
store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to
look around alone today before he needed her help. She
obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him
yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off
with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the
license plate number!"
chucktx

[chucktx]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned
that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they
called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to
come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the
mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at
his butt and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was
kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D.
the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh,
he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down
at his butt and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes."
"What? He had two buttholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two buttholes. Every
time the three of us went to town, everyone would
say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes!'"
chucktx

[ICE]

Two blondes living in Maine were sitting on a bench one evening looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away..........Florida or the Moon?'

The other blonde turns to her and says, "HELLOOOOOOOOOooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"

[ICE]

WARNING - LOCK YOUR DOORS!!
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A California man was
found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his rear.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

[paulmo1]

WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS

WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male.......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.......Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.......A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes





LIFE IS ALWAYS GOOD IN PARADISE
SO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND JOIN
US AT THE POOL AREA.

CLOTHING IS OPTIONAL

[paulmo1]

Don't Mess With Mom


My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you eve! r spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts &pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

And I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires
is a roof for over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights,"
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?

[chucktx]

lmao........glad to see others jokes.......lol lol
chucktx

[ICE]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards him; and then, lo and behold, she took
the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,"Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about male sexuality."

"Really?" he said. What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. I have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the "Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name".

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[ICE]

I love this joke...

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff"

[chucktx]

Bin Laden's Choice
One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do
here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to
stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over.

Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full
of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was
break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms
staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle
this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
chucktx

[chucktx]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that."
chucktx

[paulmo1]

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.


3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every10 years.


4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!


6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2 to 6 years old.


9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.


10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.


12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.


15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.


16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for wat

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.


19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."


20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.


22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.


24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.


26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.


They are all true!!! Now go back and think about #16.

[paulmo1]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get
to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take
my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him
and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech
into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in
the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S
HORNY"..." and she acts like she is asleep every time.

[chucktx]

dont ya just love a bunch of great jokes???? makes the day just a bit better!!!!!!!!! lmao...........
chucktx

[ICE]

Three Guys saw that there was a Duck Hunting Dog for sale in the Newspaper. The guys called and set up a hunt with the dogs owner to see if the dog would hunt. So they came up on the first pond the man told the dog to go see if there are any Ducks on the pond. The dog droped down on his belly and crawled through the high weeds, eased up to the edge of the pond and peeked over the tall grass. The whole while the three men were laughing at the dogs owner over his dog. The dog came crawling back and looked at his owner and gave 2 very quite barks. The men looked at the owner and asked what the dog ment, the owner said that means there are 2 Ducks on the pond. While the men were laughing the Dogs owner came to the edge of the pond and 2 Ducks flew up and with 2 shots from his Shotgun the Ducks fell into the water, the 3 men could not belive there eyes. So they came up on the Second pond the man told the dog to go see if there are any Ducks on the pond. The dog droped down on his belly and crawled through the high weeds, eased up to the edge of the pond and peeked over the tall grass. The Dog came crawling back and gave 3 quite barks, The 3 men looked at each other as the dogs owner came to the edge of the Second pond, three Ducks flew up and with 3 shots from his Shotgun 3 Ducks fell into the water. So they came up on the third pond the man told the dog to go see if there are any Ducks on the pond. The dog droped down on his belly and crawled through the high weeds, eased up to the edge of the pond and peeked over the tall grass. The dog came crawling back with a stick in his mouth he looked at his owner and began shaking the stick as hard as he could shake it, the three guys looked at each other then at the dogs owner and asked what does that mean. The dogs owner replied, Get ready boys there are more Ducks on that pond than you can shake a stick at !!!!!