8/15-8/21

[DAFRIDGE]

hey whats up people new week new jokes.for next week i will leave it for chucktx to start the thread for the week as i will be leaving for vacation.

[Kicks]

Ok,... Ill ring in this week!
I havn't been to happy with my wives mood swings lately, so I bought her a mood ring the other day so that I would be able to monitor her moods.
I've discovered that when she's in a good mood, it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead.
Maybe I should have bought her a diamond.

[AgilePaws]

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''
The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''

The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''

[chucktx]

i guess i need to play catchup!!!!!!!

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right, the captain is a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water." When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right, the captain is a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact the entire crew is female."

"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
chucktx

[chucktx]

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.

After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm >sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any >testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went ballistic.

"Six hundred dollars?!? Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!

Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...
chucktx

[chucktx]

A Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the English woman second. The Norwegian woman reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls used their arms."
chucktx

[chucktx]

I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about. Recently, the music world experienced a great loss. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died at the age of 83. It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left foot in and well, you know the rest
chucktx

[DAFRIDGE]

thanks chuck those were funny.. you dont have a problem with starting the thread next week right?

[chucktx]

i will do mybest to remember!!!!!!!!!!!! i get an occasional brain fart!!! lol
A guy calls up his friend to confirm a golf date and little, seven year old Billy answers the phone in a whisper "hello".
The guy asks "can I talk to your dad"?
Little Billy whispers "he's busy".
The guy then asks "can I talk to your mommy?"
Little Billy whispers "she's busy".
The guy asks "is there anyone else I can talk to?"
Little Billy whispers "the police are here".
The guy asks " can talk to one of the police officers?"
Little Billy whispers "they are all busy".
The guy asks "is there anybody else there I can talk to?"
Little Billy whispers "the neighbors and the firemen are here too".
The guy says "can I please talk to one of them?"
Little Billy whispers "they are all very busy".
By now, the guy is getting very concerned and says to Billy "what are they all doing?"
Little Billy whispers "they are all looking for me".

[chucktx]

some basic rules for driving in texas........just a few.....
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver
never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will
fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is
considered "going with the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the
chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot
massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without
ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions
and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush
hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut
during rush-hour traffic.

9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or
even someone changing a tire.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours,
especially 4WD drivers.

11 It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes.

12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of
way.

13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding.

14. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first,
by whatever means necessary.

15. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup
at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

16. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way
ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards,
and new vehicle sales.

18. There is a common held belief that highspeed tailgating in
heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along
in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.

19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains
and buses because they have brakes.

20. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one
way street.

21. It's O.K when driving in suburbs to air your grievances at
bad drivers by giving the "one or two finger salute" while
screaming out "f*cking arsehole". But it is imperative you are
driving a turbo charged V6 or a 5 litre V8, with a crow bar in
your lap.
chucktx

[SqueakySquirrel]

As a not-so-native Texan, I gotta say - THOSE ARE HILARIOUS!!!
And so true.

The only one I'd add for anyone who has driven in Houston: Every set of directions includes "Go down Westheimer..."

[chucktx]

that is correct squeaky .......lol lol
chucktx